When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
oh you wanna fight?!
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.