Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos