Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Frankenstein?

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

I’d use my best pan on you.

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”