Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

Her: Whats that mouth do boo?

Me: Probably say something stupid.