When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
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When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice