When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
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This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.