When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
🤣😂🤣😂
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.