when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other