Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

🥶🥶🐶🐶

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.

😏😏😏

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!