When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Happy Halloween 🎃
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair