When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
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My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Body by sandwich.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)