when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
screw you
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do