Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.

Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not