When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
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Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
God has abandoned us.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
channeling her this year
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost