When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
