When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Feels
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
i did the math
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
goldfish mafia
