when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
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[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally