Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

is this how new cars are made??

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear