When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀![]()
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Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.