When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.