Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

😍😂🥰😂😍

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

The biggest mystery of our time

someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”