Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

This is enough internet for the day.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”