I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
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HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad: How old are you?
Dad:theres your answer kid
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.