@daddydoubts

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

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@AnniemuMary

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

@ArfMeasures

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

@RatCasket

[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]

@Dani_Feld

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Kid: Dad, a girl called me ugly, how long does ugly last..
Dad:Hey hun
Mom:Yes?
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: 45
Dad:theres your answer kid

@KingRainhead

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

@jrhennessy

Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal