When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
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It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD