When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
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“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.