Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Australia has an election this year. Wanna talk about it all day, every day, and make it our entire personality?

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you