When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
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Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Hitlers gonna hitl
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.