When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
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Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Spoiler Alert: I was late
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”