When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
(therapist voice)
Please, lie down on the shrouch.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
