When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
