When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
