Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Eating for two.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.