When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
You Might Also Like
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
How actors in movies eat their food
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
BaD BoY!!
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.