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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy