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Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?