When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining