When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.