When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.