Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

I created you as mosquito food.

grandparents are too precious for this world

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.