Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

superman landing like a plane on his belly

Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.