Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once

her: what?

me: what?

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.