When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
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I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it