when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
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Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
scared to check what name she chose
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Multitask? I can barely unitask
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms