When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
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I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.