Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person