Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

🙁

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.