When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
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alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?