When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I’m good, thanks.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.