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the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.