When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
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I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.