Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.

– birds

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.