Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Why is no one talking about this?!

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”