When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
You Might Also Like
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Fries, not lies.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here