When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
How does one answer this?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night