When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Greeting humans vs their dogs
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?