When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
You Might Also Like
Peace was never an option
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Toxic snake
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.