Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.