When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
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Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Spring of Deception
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.