When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.