When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level