When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
A dad and his duck
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college