When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?