Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok hear me out: Luigiana

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Hot hot hot 🥵

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

can you read it!!??

maan!

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

good work, detective

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo