When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
You Might Also Like
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.