When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…