When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life