When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
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“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
If you breakdance you buy dance.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
When I worked in a pottery factory I thought it would be a laugh to hide in the big kiln but it wasn’t so funny when I was fired!
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”