Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

The check engine light came on inside my oven.

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

National Margarita Day is like any other day except…

“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”

*passes out*

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.