When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.